An ode to non-mothers

Far from selfishness, the choice to stay childless represents a privilege denied to many

Sea-to-Sky Hwy, BC. Photo credit: Rory Tucker

What it means to not be a mother

The robins are singing as I write.

A moment ago, I watched one land on my patio, pick up a few tiny sticks, and fly away to fortify their nest. It pays not to spring clean.

I can’t help but compare robins to us. Them, with their innate desire to breed; us, with the option to mull over whether or not to have kids. It’s this ability to choose that makes us stand out from other species. Of course, if I was a penguin I’d want to have chicks. What could be cuter than a penguin chick? But I digress.

The freedom to choose

I’ve always known I didn’t want children. Adopt as I had been, sure, but never have my own.

While I don’t remember speaking about the idea of motherhood when we were younger, I also don’t remember feeling the need to. There was no internal struggle, no debate. I never had the instinct, so to speak, to have children. I followed my instincts. Not all women have that same luxury. It’s this luxury that we should be grateful for every day.

The desire to belong

The only time I ever spoke of regret over not having kids was over lunch several years ago. I’ll never forget that meal. It’s one etched in my mind because I said something shocking. I told my two friends, who were both mothers, “I always thought I’d have kids in my life”. I was 39 at the time.

Who was this person? I didn’t recognize her. After dissecting my lie I realized what I really meant was, “I never thought I’d feel separate from you.” I wasn’t regretful over not having children, I was desperate to feel like I belonged.

It is this need to belong that moves some of us to motherhood. It is this need to belong that can make us ignore our instincts and dive into a life we never wanted. Ironically, it is this same desire for belonging that can make us feel separate from one another.

Innately Selfish

Societal norms push some of us in the direction to have children. Marketing, family pressure, and shame push us to become parents. “Not having kids means you’re selfish”, is one piece of rhetoric routinely spouted out. I would argue having kids is innately selfish, born out of our biology and a desire to pass on our genes.

(Forgive me but my biology education is never far away.)

But if we argue that we’re more evolved than the robin, and I wholeheartedly agree that we are, then we have to also agree that we’re evolved enough to let our women choose if and when they want to have children.

What matters most

What we should care most about is not whether or not someone becomes a parent. What we should care most is whether or not people feel as though they can make a choice that’s right for them.

Because whatever the reasons for and against, we should never judge another person’s decisions. We must, however, protect their right to choose.

Good Fortune

I feel very fortunate not to have had children. I represents that I won the genetic lottery. I was born at a time and a place where women can decide for themselves what they want out of life. Nonetheless, it still feels like a sort of cultural rebellion. My hope is that one day this is no longer the case. The health and happiness of future generations depend on it.

Thank you to non-mothers,

x KM

To read my Mother’s Day post from last year, visit this page.